Mom told me I had to get up, since the sun was shining oh-so brightly.
Reluctant, but I got up anyways.
Bath, cleaned and ready for world domination. I WAS HUNGRY.
Eaten. Went to work : couch potato.
The magic box wasn't producing anything new. Searching the perimeters for anything that comes as close as interesting.
I found SOMETHING.
Turns out, I was the something.
*smiling stupidly*
-_________________-
I was rummaging through my closet and found this :
" this is the final WARNING letter dated 18/07/2007, delivered specially to Illy Ooi Yi Li, beside Ng Jia Shiang, sitting on the third row of 5 Delima, Block B, SMKP St.George, Macalister Road, Penang, Malaysia, Asia, third planet from the Sun, Solar System, Milky Way. What you are about to be told is strictly confidential and it is to be completed on the 22nd and 23rd of October of the year 2007. If it is found that there are others who is informed about this, your blankie tie WILL be kidnapped, tortured and burnt into ashes. And if you are found guilty on telling the higher authorities a.k.a teachers, about this, your secret of having a relationship with Victor _____, 17, PFS, Penang, Malaysia, Asia, third planet from the Sun, Solar System, Milky Way, WILL be announced to the entire Georgian world. So please take this notice seriously, privately and strictly, and no giggling NO GIGGLING ILLY OOI!!!
So on the 22nd and 23rd of October 2007, you are required to carried out these procedures :
First off, I KNOW RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??? I mean what were we thinking back then? To be completely honest, Connie was the one who wrote this, I just supplied the details and basically told her what should be in the letter. FORTUNATELY, the letter was never delivered. I guess we both must have forgotten all about i
You see, since we were the only two people in the class that are born in October, I came up with this brilliant beyond brilliant idea of a surprise party for us! It's
Eh, toldcha I was a weird kid. Probably sho
I miss DELIMAS and all its adventures.
Im trikaledeoiscopie sorry that I haven't been updating you. Its not that I don't have anything to rant about, believe me, I do. Its just that my brain doesn't slow down just a bit, for my fingers to catch up with it. You see, ive been having this problem that my brain works at the speed of light, and this is usually when all the wonderful words magically appear in my head but UNFORTUNATELY my fingers aren't as fast. So you see, this creates P R O B L E M.
:]
OR…
If you don't buy that ; your mind absolutely refuses to believe a word you just read, bottom line : Im a lazy chick that has zero things to write about. Whatever floats your boat.
I got the whole of Gombak thinking I've graduated.
*shivers*
And she said, ' I hope our kids won't turn out to be as mischievous as us '
*
GULP!
Life is pretty hard isn't it? I wish it was more like the movies. We can just start over in the new scene at a new place as someone else. New place with a whole new other identity. Life would be easier that way if we do get chances like that. It might take a while and we'll get that chance to start over a new life, turn over a new leaf. There are times I wished I could go back and change a few things but then again, I'm happier with where I am now. No matter how much tears I've shed, blood I've lost or time I've wasted. It was worth it for now I finally realized so many things. Life has forced me to grow up, accept the reality and stop fantasizing. After all, it ain't a bed of roses after all.
So far, I got most of my previous guesses on things wrong. I guess sometimes, it takes a smack in the face and a kick in the ass to see how there can be people who go through the same pile of mud you dragged yourself through before. Or how people basically can be the exact opposite of what you've always seen them as. Or how the happiest people you know turn out to fake more smiles in front of the world than you do. Or even the people you have trusted and loved all this while, turns out not to be who they are. Yes, people do change, I've accepted that fact. But I wasn't expecting it to be as drastic and hurtful. I was crossing the road this evening. I almost got hit by a car at one point. I must say, it was one of the rare times when I've never felt more alive and excited. I stopped and realized my head was too up in space to hear or see the car coming. My head was in "
Boston". I want to find a new place and leave this all behind. Start anew and no one knows my name. I think, in some way, that was why I love running so much. I wanted to run away, as fast and as far away as I could. Sometimes, I ran for hundreds of miles non-stop.
In just one weekend, I found how the happiest people can cry in a matter of minutes. How the most hopeful people can lose faith. How the people I thought was so strong can be so weak in believing in themselves. How the most unexpected people can surprise you. How the richest people can be deprived from so many things. How the first rule of living is to know how to lie very well. At that moment, I discover myself contemplating on the decisions of whether or not I should run off to Alaska and live off the ice and fish or if I should stay here where every single day is tearing a part of me down slowly, bit by bit. I hope everything I do here would be enough to make up for all the pain and harshness my parents had to go through to raise me. If this makes them happy then, I am happy ( I hope ).
Maybe when my curly haired children grow up, they might do the same for me.
I can't wait for these 5 years to pass.
" The day I believed in you is the day I lost my soul. The day you told the truth, was the day you shattered my heart. I carefully put it back together, but it has never been the same again. The day, I said those four words, was a giant leap of faith, of love, of hope. A surface wound is easy to heal, but an internal one eats you on the inside. Nothing is as burdensome as a secret, nothing is as hurtful as being on the receiving end. I don't blame you, I blame me. I'm the one who trusted, believed and naïve. I know this. "
Yesterday, more like the weekends, opened up a memory from the past ; a video that starts playing and would not stop until I am hurt. And even then, it just picks another scene and then starts the whole shenanigan all over again. It hit me in the head. That how much time has passed and how that first feeling was; amazing. It took awhile to be reminded and I continued, every scene was longer than of Harry Potter's. It was painful to go over it, but at the same time, it was nice to relive it. It did take me back to when everything was so simple and easy. When two good friends that cares and love each other. Boredom consumed us and all I wanted was to tell how my day was and wait for the calls at half past midnight. Oh how the littlest things matters so much.
No, I don't forget. I just keep it away because it is in the past. There were some parts where it made me cry for a second or two. Then there were parts that seemed so minor to me now and I saw how euphoric I was to reply. I tried to figure out what I was feeling back then and it took some time to return to me. Since I told you I'm done, my life is not as sad as how the song sounds but now I only think about the good times we had. Ignoring all the hanging up and fights in the middle of the night. I remember the $400 bill and messages . The stay on the phone to hear me sleeping. The constant retaliation of doing some things. The every happy moment there was. Thanks in a way.
Her birthday is tomorrow.
I can't help but wonder, how it would turn up. What do you have planned for her? What sort present did you buy? How the celebration going to be? Is it any good?
( And would you somehow, have me at the back of your head? )
This time I spent my weekends with my two best friends. We were having a women's IV league in Gombak. They debated, I was the observer. Somehow, I was never one to debate. I like debate, the interesting motions and all its feistiness that it brings out of people. But truth be told, I suck at it. My general knowledge on the world is limited, and I have this constant fear of standing up in front of a crowd and talking. Really, and persuading them even when I, too, needed to be persuaded. Er, no thank you.
The tournament was, in a way, very interesting. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues, i.e. women's rights and so forth.
Bottom line : I had fun. And the fact that it was educational, is definitely a plus point * thumbs up *
I hate people. I think the best thing to do is to not be attached emotionally or they hurt you more in the end. Not to be a pessimist, but they just always seem to hurt you in the end. Sigh, again.
" it takes two to tango, but only one to trip and fall "
I've heard of this a long time ago, but never truly grasps the concept. Pardon my stupidity. Now, I had to learn it the hard way
You cannot go back in time, even if you wish it with every fiber of your being, your heart and soul, even if you think about it every day. Trust me. I know.
That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day. But somehow to find it, takes a lot of work. It's rare. It's a treasure you would want to keep..forever.
I'll pretend that you mean the weather when you ask me how I am. I'll say cold and dry.
The place you used to live : there's still a door shaped like you, boarded up, covered in chains and nails. Paper stuffed in the locks.
Just like you mistook time-off for separation, you have mistaken being alone with loneliness. I am doing good, thank you for asking.
I read what you leave in public spaces. The songs of your reference. I read between the lines. I know it's about me. I know what you want. I can admit that I have been thinking about it for awhile now, but I can't. Not yet.
It's when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know "This is love."
And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren't pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.
So yes, we could hug. I could give you a hug, and vice versa. There's no science, no plane tickets, clock stopping us. But if we hug, it will end the world, And I've ended the world before, No one survived. Least of all me.
This is the acceptance speech. The end of anger and denial. I accept that you and I will never be the same again. That while those days will live in my mind forever, they're over. I hate it. But I accept it. And I'm moving on now.
You think you're waiting for me to tell you what the right thing to do is. And how to do it. Even though, at the back of your mind you already know what that is. So, all you're really waiting for, is the right time when you're forced to do it.
So you've given me all these things and I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate them because I do but all I really want from you today, is a smile.
P/s : some are quotes, some are not. You decide.
Hoping for a truckload of Hagen Diaz ice-creams to miraculously crash in front of main gate.
Cheers!
Spur of the moment kind of thing; I packed my bags one fine day. So I would be ready to go straightaway, without delaying even for a single second, after my class ended. I wanted to surprise my two best friends, by showing up at their place. Sure enough Kde was pretty surprised that I showed up with a red bag in hand and a hug to give. She was expecting me, true enough, since I had talk to her about my plans about stopping by. But it was all just hypothetical. I mean, there were all the plans, but I think she never really expected me to come. First, because her place is nowhere near mine. Second, it can be tiring. Arinah was just stunned, I guess it was really random. But I haven't seen the both of them for about three weeks now, I miss them.
J
The fun part was, I got to see/visit the people that I have missed dearly ; | RAJA | KAK ED | KAK EMA (with her boyfriend, don't know much about him, since twas dark) | KAK IKA | KAK NIK | SAFU | and mostly Nilai people.
I just got back and I am wiped out.
P/s : I am contemplating between either sleeping or doing some non-productive act. Nah, why am even I considering, obviously I am going to sleep. Since, I am already deprived of it. Better take the chance, when I have it.
NITES!
Monster thinks it is time the world knows the happiness-sucking place on Earth ; NILAI.
It is pronounced as nnnnh nnnnh nnnh NILAI!
It is monster's current hideout.
Bored out of her mind most of the time.
Surrounded by people that cares.
Awesome/crazy bunch of people.
Despite ALL that, monster still feels that it is a happiness-sucking place.
Acts exactly like a Dementor, the very sight of the building makes the hair at the end of the head stands.
Bitter-sweet memories.
Humanoids : third quarter loved ones have moved on.
Yes I've got people here, but somehow it doesn't feel right.
Nothing I do seem right.
No place have I gone seem right.
I don't feel as though I belong anywhere.
I mix in, I blend in with people but that's just it.
That my friend, is nnnnh nnnnnh nnnnh NILAI.
ERGH.
Okieh I've got a little confession to make. I've got a HUGE crush on this kid. He looks somewhat Chinese, and after spending almost four days and a car ride with him, he speaks absolute gibberish. Only saying,' ahh,ohh and gaga'. But I found him very much charming with the smile that will melt thousands of hearts. Be it old or young, everyone just loves him. Even at four months he already stole my heart, and everyone else's, I wonder how he will be when he grows up. *smiles*. Also, for young kid, he's very photogenic. Funny story, one fine day Syahmi ( just in case you were wondering what his name is), was bailing his eyes out, which is very seldom, he does this usually when he's either sleepy, hungry or has just pooped. Well anyway, while he was crying, I took out the camera just so that I could put it up on the wall of shame, he abruptly stops and looks straight into the camera and flashes the million dollar smile. Interesting? I thought so too.I just love the side of him. He is definitely not you're typical baby. He is quiet, very social able ; which means that one does not cry at the side of another human being which is not your own parents. He is satisfied EASILY. He forces himself not to sleep. Why in the world would he would prolong being awake I have no idea. I have told him COUNTLESS of times, to get the the sleep while he still get, enjoy the luxuries of doing absolutely nothing and living in utter bliss. The poor kid just looked up at me in amazement.
Today, we brought him S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G!!!!!
I, as the aunty, feel very much obliged to show him the ways and language of shopping. What sale means, stock clearance and so forth. He's got to learn it from someone now, doesn't he? *snickers* we passed by GAP, TOPMAN, MANGO and told him someday when he's old enough, we will go shopping together. Next on the list of must-knows, is ICE-CREAMS AND CHOCOLATES. That is simpler as my house is never out of chocolates. Ice-creams, yes, but chocolates…NEVER! Mum's a crazy choco addict and thus, all of us are too. Somehow, lately she has cut down on her chocolate, claiming that age doesn't allow her to consume as much as before. Oh well, MORE FOR ME I thought.
So yes, little sweet kid, I can't wait for you to grow up and be smart! Not that you aren't anyway. I love you kiddo.
Loads and LOADS of hugs and kisssssssessss!
+mwah.
Today my best friend is off to main campus. Ultimately leaving me here. It has been over a month that I have been living in Nilai without her, but somehow with her registering, and soon having her orientation week seems to make everything final. I miss her a whole lot. It doesn't seem right that we are so far apart. It's weird not having her around ALL the time. I've grown so accustomed to seeing her day and night. Not having someone as close to her to talk is new for both of us.
Just a year ago, about the same time, I started my foundation. I wasn't excited nor was I looking forward to going there. For the first half of the semester, I refused to make any effort of making friends. I refused to fit in, only resulting in becoming a lone ranger. I was not happy, but I was not depressed either. I was just sort of numb. I didn't think I could find anyone that could understand me. I buried myself in work, family and Penang friends. Soon, I adapted to the craziness of the place and found myself an awesome best friend.
( I am at a loss for words, not because I don't know what to write. But because I don't know where to start)
Khadijah bt Shamsul, known to some as Kdeeeeeeeeee! ( depending on you pronounce it ). GRIN. Even her name has a certain cheerful ring to it. So you can imagine what type of person she is. She is a bundle of joy. She is the kind of person that will light up a place whenever she is in it. Looking back to beginning, we both have gone through a lot together. Having a certain and rare bond that only few can understand. I lurve her to bits. No matter how messed up our lives get, somehow I know that I'll her around ; bugging me.
Gosh, I miss her lah.
She is not your typical kind of girl. She's VERY loud ; mind you, she'll even beat the speaker. She doesn't fret about her weight, not like most girls do. She is understanding, irritating, CRAZY, loving, the most caring person I know, paranoid, self-obsessed, intelligent, workaholic as well as shopaholic, childish, mature and she is gorgeous inside and out = my best friend. She is a shoulder when I need her, she kicks and slaps me when I'm being selfish, foolish, in denial or something just for kicks. And let me tell you she hits me ALL THE TIME (help?). She tells me the truth, real hard brutal truth. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't. She is not a planner, she's sometimes a mess. But that only makes her human, and I love all of her. As I've told her before, I liked her because of her quirkiness, and her inability to be normal ; her imperfections, not her perfections. I wouldn't have befriended her if she was even close to normal, and that would be very boring.
Yes, I choose my friends. So sue me. I like 'em to be insane and crazy. The perfect remedy when one is having a bad day.
So babe, I do really miss you and lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve you eventhough sometimes I act as though I'm not. I'm sure you know that. But I just wanted to tell you that I love you very much you donkeyh. Take care of yourself and if EVER you need anything, ANYTHING AT ALL ( oh boy, I know I'm going regret saying that.GRINS ) I am always ALWAYS here for you no matter what. Keep that in mind, hun.
A GAZILLION HUGS!
( I am merely retelling the story for her )
She woke up today with a throbbing headache, a swollen ear, and the illusions of last night's dream.
HEADACHE
Her head literally felt like it was on fire. Now, she knows what ghost rider felt like whenever he rode on his motorcycle. I can assure you, it is not a pleasant feeling. She could not think, she is unable to walk. She wanted to skip her meeting with Disaster, but her willingness to do so was overpowered with the morning mantra, ' striving for perection'. She was supposed to wake up in the early mornings, she did not hear the alarm. After morning prayers, she was wide awake and ready for the meet-up. One way or another, she ended up sleeping just after sunrise. That was mistake number one. She shouldn't have slept. Because sleeping gives her nightmares. Because instead of feeling energized and recharged, sleeping does the exact opposite and more to her. And the headache is the result of my swollen ear.
Swollen ear
It all started two days ago, where it was just a minor pinch to the ear. Now, it has begun to spread to areas that I can't even begin to imagine. Behind the ear, connecting to the scalp of her head., and it can also be felt on the face. She complained of the stabbing pain, but no one really, truly knew how hurt she is in. She had to visit the doctor's today, as the pain was unbearable. The doc looked at it, and saw that it was inflamed. at first, she thought there was only infection in one ear, but no, both ears were infected. The doc prescribed her some painkillers (which was all that she needed, and been longing for), antibiotics and eardrops for the ears. She felt a little better once the visit was over and done with.
GRIN.
The dream
The dream consists of three parts. Funnily enough, all of them weren't connected.
Her first dream was unimportant, for she only remembered bits of it. It was one of her usual nightmare, mostly her worries on life. Usually, the things that she so forcefully want to forget. Her second one, was very unusual. She dreamt of her two other best friends ; Atiqah and Fatimah. They had come for a surprise visit, since Fatimah brought a car here. She was thrown out of her chair, she was happy. That was what she needed. Her best friends here with her. Even if it's just for a day. Even if it's just for a second. And even if it's just a dream. They somehow boosted her confidence and made everything seemed alright. and her last dream, was confusing and mind-boggling Raneesha and Liani came by. She remembered saying that why were all of them visiting her today. Of all the days!!
So when she woke up, abruptly and feeling confused (as usual), she could not differentiate between what was real and what was not. There were at times, when she felt the presence of her two best friends, of the nightmare and whenever that happens, she just shook her head and acted as though nothing happened. But the truth was she doesn't feel like her soul is in her body…today. Especially today.
THEN
I still think of you. I have come to a point where I am hating you. Not because of what happened, because I HAD to clean up your fucking mess. I had to deal with all the questions of why we broke up. And I don't even know what happened, feels as though I am on a roller coaster ride, that won't stop. You, you on the other hand enjoy the luxuries of a new person. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Getting together with her, can't you even wait for the appropriate time until you guys got together? I mean for god's sake, it wasn't even a month since you broke up with me. Acu was right. You couldn't care less, about other people, at the expense of your happiness. At the time, I refuse to belief that, but hate to break it to you. Acu is fucking right. Now, I really feel like a bloody idiot to have trusted, not to mention wasted my fucking time, energy and most of all, I regretted to have spent my love on you. You don't even deserve it, that I can see now. Just to get things cleared, I am not mad or sad that you got together with her. If she really makes you happy, then by all means. I just hope for your sake, that she doesn't hurt you any further. You're a jackass, but I still don't think you deserve it, if she did what she did to you before again. I hope she doesn't. yes you make stupid decisions, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human.
I miss you terribly. After all of that, I still do. I just wished that I never met you. Or I didn't bother to help you. Because if I didn't want to help you then, you wouldn't have somehow tricked your mind into believing that you liked me. Then, I wouldn't have known you. Then, we wouldn't have gotten together. Then I wouldn't have trusted you, believed in all your crap, cared for you, put any amount of effort for you, or even loved you. Then, I wouldn't have fallen for you…so hard. Then, we wouldn't have done all the shits that we did. Then, I wouldn't be thinking that you were the one. Then, we wouldn't have promised each other false hope, under false pretences. Then, you wouldn't have to dump me. Then, I wouldn't have been so fucking hurt that I could barely think. Then, I wouldn't have cried my eyes out. Then, we wouldn't have been way were are right now. Worst comes to worst we could have at least stayed as friends now. But, that doesn't seem possible under the circumstances right now. It's all just wishful thinking. Nowadays, I love playing the ' if ' game. It helps me feel much much better. The world doesn't seem that gloomy for just a second.
SIGH.
Oh blue sands
Can you tell me if I ever will be…happy?
Oh blue sands
Can I stay here forever?
Oh blue sands
I don't want to go out there and pretend
Oh blue sands
Can you make them understand?
And everything will get better if I stay here for awhile
And will find another way to be happier one day
And everything will get better if you hold on for awhile
And go away from here
Oh blue sands
I don't want to go up there and pretend I'm okay
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the person I cannot be
For the things I cannot have
I don't hate you anymore when I look at you
All I see is the blue waves coming to get me and take me away
I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the things I cannot have
Oh blue sands will I ever get to be like you.
NOW.
I am stronger now. I've restored my beliefs and principles in life. Some are old, most are new. Now, I just don't belief there is such thing as love. Don't get me wrong, none of it it's your fault. You just sort of proved me right. You were like my experiment and that it went badly. I haven't got the correct ingredients yet. I can't see two people being in a relationship for as long as a year. It's just not possible, for one must surely get bored with the other by the end of the year. But I salute those that have been together for a lifetime. It is just amazing and completely brilliant. These are the few rare people, that have found their respective soulmate. Sometimes, I am just tempted to ask them the million-dollar question :
" how the hell do you guys do it ? what is the secret ingredient ? ". So, I have decided to fuck love. I don't believe in these fairy tales. i mean how do you actually move on, and then do the almost-exact same thing with another person without having your ex in your mind? I certainly can't. thus, I am just going to wait for that one person, and then get married. Done and done. This way, I avoid getting my heart broken or even hurt. Win-win situation! It's either that, or I end up not getting married at all. Seriously, I'm warming up to the idea each day. living a care-free and boisterous life looks good. S'long as I've got friends all around me. Fine by me.
SMILES.
