Fifty wrong turns

Life is pretty hard isn't it? I wish it was more like the movies. We can just start over in the new scene at a new place as someone else. New place with a whole new other identity. Life would be easier that way if we do get chances like that. It might take a while and we'll get that chance to start over a new life, turn over a new leaf. There are times I wished I could go back and change a few things but then again, I'm happier with where I am now. No matter how much tears I've shed, blood I've lost or time I've wasted. It was worth it for now I finally realized so many things. Life has forced me to grow up, accept the reality and stop fantasizing. After all, it ain't a bed of roses after all.

So far, I got most of my previous guesses on things wrong. I guess sometimes, it takes a smack in the face and a kick in the ass to see how there can be people who go through the same pile of mud you dragged yourself through before. Or how people basically can be the exact opposite of what you've always seen them as. Or how the happiest people you know turn out to fake more smiles in front of the world than you do. Or even the people you have trusted and loved all this while, turns out not to be who they are. Yes, people do change, I've accepted that fact. But I wasn't expecting it to be as drastic and hurtful. I was crossing the road this evening. I almost got hit by a car at one point. I must say, it was one of the rare times when I've never felt more alive and excited. I stopped and realized my head was too up in space to hear or see the car coming. My head was in "
Boston". I want to find a new place and leave this all behind. Start anew and no one knows my name. I think, in some way, that was why I love running so much. I wanted to run away, as fast and as far away as I could. Sometimes, I ran for hundreds of miles non-stop.

In just one weekend, I found how the happiest people can cry in a matter of minutes. How the most hopeful people can lose faith. How the people I thought was so strong can be so weak in believing in themselves. How the most unexpected people can surprise you. How the richest people can be deprived from so many things. How the first rule of living is to know how to lie very well. At that moment, I discover myself contemplating on the decisions of whether or not I should run off to Alaska and live off the ice and fish or if I should stay here where every single day is tearing a part of me down slowly, bit by bit. I hope everything I do here would be enough to make up for all the pain and harshness my parents had to go through to raise me. If this makes them happy then, I am happy ( I hope ).

Maybe when my curly haired children grow up, they might do the same for me.
I can't wait for these 5 years to pass.

" The day I believed in you is the day I lost my soul. The day you told the truth, was the day you shattered my heart. I carefully put it back together, but it has never been the same again. The day, I said those four words, was a giant leap of faith, of love, of hope. A surface wound is easy to heal, but an internal one eats you on the inside. Nothing is as burdensome as a secret, nothing is as hurtful as being on the receiving end. I don't blame you, I blame me. I'm the one who trusted, believed and naïve. I know this. "