In the well

THEN

I still think of you. I have come to a point where I am hating you. Not because of what happened, because I HAD to clean up your fucking mess. I had to deal with all the questions of why we broke up. And I don't even know what happened, feels as though I am on a roller coaster ride, that won't stop. You, you on the other hand enjoy the luxuries of a new person. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Getting together with her, can't you even wait for the appropriate time until you guys got together? I mean for god's sake, it wasn't even a month since you broke up with me. Acu was right. You couldn't care less, about other people, at the expense of your happiness. At the time, I refuse to belief that, but hate to break it to you. Acu is fucking right. Now, I really feel like a bloody idiot to have trusted, not to mention wasted my fucking time, energy and most of all, I regretted to have spent my love on you. You don't even deserve it, that I can see now. Just to get things cleared, I am not mad or sad that you got together with her. If she really makes you happy, then by all means. I just hope for your sake, that she doesn't hurt you any further. You're a jackass, but I still don't think you deserve it, if she did what she did to you before again. I hope she doesn't. yes you make stupid decisions, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human.

I miss you terribly. After all of that, I still do. I just wished that I never met you. Or I didn't bother to help you. Because if I didn't want to help you then, you wouldn't have somehow tricked your mind into believing that you liked me. Then, I wouldn't have known you. Then, we wouldn't have gotten together. Then I wouldn't have trusted you, believed in all your crap, cared for you, put any amount of effort for you, or even loved you. Then, I wouldn't have fallen for you…so hard. Then, we wouldn't have done all the shits that we did. Then, I wouldn't be thinking that you were the one. Then, we wouldn't have promised each other false hope, under false pretences. Then, you wouldn't have to dump me. Then, I wouldn't have been so fucking hurt that I could barely think. Then, I wouldn't have cried my eyes out. Then, we wouldn't have been way were are right now. Worst comes to worst we could have at least stayed as friends now. But, that doesn't seem possible under the circumstances right now. It's all just wishful thinking. Nowadays, I love playing the ' if ' game. It helps me feel much much better. The world doesn't seem that gloomy for just a second.

SIGH.

Oh blue sands

Can you tell me if I ever will be…happy?

Oh blue sands

Can I stay here forever?

Oh blue sands

I don't want to go out there and pretend

Oh blue sands

Can you make them understand?

And everything will get better if I stay here for awhile

And will find another way to be happier one day

And everything will get better if you hold on for awhile

And go away from here

Oh blue sands

I don't want to go up there and pretend I'm okay

I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore

I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the person I cannot be

For the things I cannot have

I don't hate you anymore when I look at you

All I see is the blue waves coming to get me and take me away

I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the things I cannot have

Oh blue sands will I ever get to be like you.

NOW.

I am stronger now. I've restored my beliefs and principles in life. Some are old, most are new. Now, I just don't belief there is such thing as love. Don't get me wrong, none of it it's your fault. You just sort of proved me right. You were like my experiment and that it went badly. I haven't got the correct ingredients yet. I can't see two people being in a relationship for as long as a year. It's just not possible, for one must surely get bored with the other by the end of the year. But I salute those that have been together for a lifetime. It is just amazing and completely brilliant. These are the few rare people, that have found their respective soulmate. Sometimes, I am just tempted to ask them the million-dollar question :
" how the hell do you guys do it ? what is the secret ingredient ? ". So, I have decided to fuck love. I don't believe in these fairy tales. i mean how do you actually move on, and then do the almost-exact same thing with another person without having your ex in your mind? I certainly can't. thus, I am just going to wait for that one person, and then get married. Done and done. This way, I avoid getting my heart broken or even hurt. Win-win situation! It's either that, or I end up not getting married at all. Seriously, I'm warming up to the idea each day. living a care-free and boisterous life looks good. S'long as I've got friends all around me. Fine by me.

SMILES.