I can't seem to get my butt there today. It's at eleven, but I went out extra early so I could check the place out. But soon as I got there, I just stood there, at the hallway. Don't even have the guts to stand in front of the door. I'm a coward. I kept thinking of the things that might happen on the other side of the door. What she might say, or do. I've figured out who might be in there, on the other side with me. A friend. That morning, I convinced myself I'm going to go through it. With raisins and a couple of words to God, manage to calm myself down. To be completely honest, I have been having this panic attacks since that. I haven't been myself, and I'm not sure I remember how I was before that. The monster insomnia has gotten worst. Since that, I seldom have a goodnight's rest. The thought of sleeping alone, scares me. Panic attacks follow this sequence. It's not that I don't want to get out, it's just that I can't/don't know how to. It's usually okie when I know or feel someone close to me, to help me sleep. My eating habits are off. I stop eating for a week, only craving for monster sugar. I'm certain whatever I'm doing to my body is not healthy. But I don't care. I'm numb. So numb that if a car comes a hit me, I don't feel a thing.
I saw her, saw her at some computer lab. Funny in my dreams, I have the guts to approach her and tell her the problem. Of why all this while I have been avoiding her. Of why I can't seem to be able to open the door. To take one leap of faith. She was mad, but not in a killer mode kind of way. She finally gave in, told me what I wanted to know. Teach me what I needed to know. At one point, the nightmare didn't seem like a nightmare anymore. It almost seemed pleasant and comforting. Somehow, someway I woke up.
Like I said, I had a nightmare this morning.
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