feeling pretty human

For humans, we are the most inhumane creatures. How ironic is that?

Randomnothings.randomramblings.randomthoughts.

I hate people. I think the best thing to do is to not be attached emotionally or they hurt you more in the end. Not to be a pessimist, but they just always seem to hurt you in the end. Sigh, again.

" it takes two to tango, but only one to trip and fall "

I've heard of this a long time ago, but never truly grasps the concept. Pardon my stupidity. Now, I had to learn it the hard way

You cannot go back in time, even if you wish it with every fiber of your being, your heart and soul, even if you think about it every day. Trust me. I know.

That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day. But somehow to find it, takes a lot of work. It's rare. It's a treasure you would want to keep..forever.

I'll pretend that you mean the weather when you ask me how I am. I'll say cold and dry.

The place you used to live : there's still a door shaped like you, boarded up, covered in chains and nails. Paper stuffed in the locks.

Just like you mistook time-off for separation, you have mistaken being alone with loneliness. I am doing good, thank you for asking.

I read what you leave in public spaces. The songs of your reference. I read between the lines. I know it's about me. I know what you want. I can admit that I have been thinking about it for awhile now, but I can't. Not yet.

It's when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know "This is love."

And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren't pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.

So yes, we could hug. I could give you a hug, and vice versa. There's no science, no plane tickets, clock stopping us. But if we hug, it will end the world, And I've ended the world before, No one survived. Least of all me.

This is the acceptance speech. The end of anger and denial. I accept that you and I will never be the same again. That while those days will live in my mind forever, they're over. I hate it. But I accept it. And I'm moving on now.

You think you're waiting for me to tell you what the right thing to do is. And how to do it. Even though, at the back of your mind you already know what that is. So, all you're really waiting for, is the right time when you're forced to do it.

So you've given me all these things and I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate them because I do but all I really want from you today, is a smile.

P/s : some are quotes, some are not. You decide.

Hoping for a truckload of Hagen Diaz ice-creams to miraculously crash in front of main gate.

Cheers!

.G.O.M.B.A.K.

Spur of the moment kind of thing; I packed my bags one fine day. So I would be ready to go straightaway, without delaying even for a single second, after my class ended. I wanted to surprise my two best friends, by showing up at their place. Sure enough Kde was pretty surprised that I showed up with a red bag in hand and a hug to give. She was expecting me, true enough, since I had talk to her about my plans about stopping by. But it was all just hypothetical. I mean, there were all the plans, but I think she never really expected me to come. First, because her place is nowhere near mine. Second, it can be tiring. Arinah was just stunned, I guess it was really random. But I haven't seen the both of them for about three weeks now, I miss them.

J

The fun part was, I got to see/visit the people that I have missed dearly ; | RAJA | KAK ED | KAK EMA (with her boyfriend, don't know much about him, since twas dark) | KAK IKA | KAK NIK | SAFU | and mostly Nilai people.

I just got back and I am wiped out.

P/s : I am contemplating between either sleeping or doing some non-productive act. Nah, why am even I considering, obviously I am going to sleep. Since, I am already deprived of it. Better take the chance, when I have it.

NITES!

Nnnnnh nnnh nnnnnh NILAI

Monster thinks it is time the world knows the happiness-sucking place on Earth ; NILAI.

It is pronounced as nnnnh nnnnh nnnh NILAI!

It is monster's current hideout.

Bored out of her mind most of the time.

Surrounded by people that cares.

Awesome/crazy bunch of people.

Despite ALL that, monster still feels that it is a happiness-sucking place.

Acts exactly like a Dementor, the very sight of the building makes the hair at the end of the head stands.

Bitter-sweet memories.

Humanoids : third quarter loved ones have moved on.

Yes I've got people here, but somehow it doesn't feel right.

Nothing I do seem right.

No place have I gone seem right.

I don't feel as though I belong anywhere.

I mix in, I blend in with people but that's just it.

That my friend, is nnnnh nnnnnh nnnnh NILAI.

ERGH.

Baby KEEEERAZY!

Okieh I've got a little confession to make. I've got a HUGE crush on this kid. He looks somewhat Chinese, and after spending almost four days and a car ride with him, he speaks absolute gibberish. Only saying,' ahh,ohh and gaga'. But I found him very much charming with the smile that will melt thousands of hearts. Be it old or young, everyone just loves him. Even at four months he already stole my heart, and everyone else's, I wonder how he will be when he grows up. *smiles*. Also, for young kid, he's very photogenic. Funny story, one fine day Syahmi ( just in case you were wondering what his name is), was bailing his eyes out, which is very seldom, he does this usually when he's either sleepy, hungry or has just pooped. Well anyway, while he was crying, I took out the camera just so that I could put it up on the wall of shame, he abruptly stops and looks straight into the camera and flashes the million dollar smile. Interesting? I thought so too.

I just love the side of him. He is definitely not you're typical baby. He is quiet, very social able ; which means that one does not cry at the side of another human being which is not your own parents. He is satisfied EASILY. He forces himself not to sleep. Why in the world would he would prolong being awake I have no idea. I have told him COUNTLESS of times, to get the the sleep while he still get, enjoy the luxuries of doing absolutely nothing and living in utter bliss. The poor kid just looked up at me in amazement.

Today, we brought him S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G!!!!!

I, as the aunty, feel very much obliged to show him the ways and language of shopping. What sale means, stock clearance and so forth. He's got to learn it from someone now, doesn't he? *snickers* we passed by GAP, TOPMAN, MANGO and told him someday when he's old enough, we will go shopping together. Next on the list of must-knows, is ICE-CREAMS AND CHOCOLATES. That is simpler as my house is never out of chocolates. Ice-creams, yes, but chocolates…NEVER! Mum's a crazy choco addict and thus, all of us are too. Somehow, lately she has cut down on her chocolate, claiming that age doesn't allow her to consume as much as before. Oh well, MORE FOR ME I thought.

So yes, little sweet kid, I can't wait for you to grow up and be smart! Not that you aren't anyway. I love you kiddo.

Loads and LOADS of hugs and kisssssssessss!

+mwah.

For Her.

Today my best friend is off to main campus. Ultimately leaving me here. It has been over a month that I have been living in Nilai without her, but somehow with her registering, and soon having her orientation week seems to make everything final. I miss her a whole lot. It doesn't seem right that we are so far apart. It's weird not having her around ALL the time. I've grown so accustomed to seeing her day and night. Not having someone as close to her to talk is new for both of us.

Just a year ago, about the same time, I started my foundation. I wasn't excited nor was I looking forward to going there. For the first half of the semester, I refused to make any effort of making friends. I refused to fit in, only resulting in becoming a lone ranger. I was not happy, but I was not depressed either. I was just sort of numb. I didn't think I could find anyone that could understand me. I buried myself in work, family and Penang friends. Soon, I adapted to the craziness of the place and found myself an awesome best friend.

( I am at a loss for words, not because I don't know what to write. But because I don't know where to start)

Khadijah bt Shamsul, known to some as Kdeeeeeeeeee! ( depending on you pronounce it ). GRIN. Even her name has a certain cheerful ring to it. So you can imagine what type of person she is. She is a bundle of joy. She is the kind of person that will light up a place whenever she is in it. Looking back to beginning, we both have gone through a lot together. Having a certain and rare bond that only few can understand. I lurve her to bits. No matter how messed up our lives get, somehow I know that I'll her around ; bugging me.

Gosh, I miss her lah.

She is not your typical kind of girl. She's VERY loud ; mind you, she'll even beat the speaker. She doesn't fret about her weight, not like most girls do. She is understanding, irritating, CRAZY, loving, the most caring person I know, paranoid, self-obsessed, intelligent, workaholic as well as shopaholic, childish, mature and she is gorgeous inside and out = my best friend. She is a shoulder when I need her, she kicks and slaps me when I'm being selfish, foolish, in denial or something just for kicks. And let me tell you she hits me ALL THE TIME (help?). She tells me the truth, real hard brutal truth. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't. She is not a planner, she's sometimes a mess. But that only makes her human, and I love all of her. As I've told her before, I liked her because of her quirkiness, and her inability to be normal ; her imperfections, not her perfections. I wouldn't have befriended her if she was even close to normal, and that would be very boring.

Yes, I choose my friends. So sue me. I like 'em to be insane and crazy. The perfect remedy when one is having a bad day.

So babe, I do really miss you and lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve you eventhough sometimes I act as though I'm not. I'm sure you know that. But I just wanted to tell you that I love you very much you donkeyh. Take care of yourself and if EVER you need anything, ANYTHING AT ALL ( oh boy, I know I'm going regret saying that.GRINS ) I am always ALWAYS here for you no matter what. Keep that in mind, hun.

A GAZILLION HUGS!

Of rainbows and cloud nine’s

( I am merely retelling the story for her )

She woke up today with a throbbing headache, a swollen ear, and the illusions of last night's dream.

HEADACHE

Her head literally felt like it was on fire. Now, she knows what ghost rider felt like whenever he rode on his motorcycle. I can assure you, it is not a pleasant feeling. She could not think, she is unable to walk. She wanted to skip her meeting with Disaster, but her willingness to do so was overpowered with the morning mantra, ' striving for perection'. She was supposed to wake up in the early mornings, she did not hear the alarm. After morning prayers, she was wide awake and ready for the meet-up. One way or another, she ended up sleeping just after sunrise. That was mistake number one. She shouldn't have slept. Because sleeping gives her nightmares. Because instead of feeling energized and recharged, sleeping does the exact opposite and more to her. And the headache is the result of my swollen ear.

Swollen ear

It all started two days ago, where it was just a minor pinch to the ear. Now, it has begun to spread to areas that I can't even begin to imagine. Behind the ear, connecting to the scalp of her head., and it can also be felt on the face. She complained of the stabbing pain, but no one really, truly knew how hurt she is in. She had to visit the doctor's today, as the pain was unbearable. The doc looked at it, and saw that it was inflamed. at first, she thought there was only infection in one ear, but no, both ears were infected. The doc prescribed her some painkillers (which was all that she needed, and been longing for), antibiotics and eardrops for the ears. She felt a little better once the visit was over and done with.

GRIN.

The dream

The dream consists of three parts. Funnily enough, all of them weren't connected.

Her first dream was unimportant, for she only remembered bits of it. It was one of her usual nightmare, mostly her worries on life. Usually, the things that she so forcefully want to forget. Her second one, was very unusual. She dreamt of her two other best friends ; Atiqah and Fatimah. They had come for a surprise visit, since Fatimah brought a car here. She was thrown out of her chair, she was happy. That was what she needed. Her best friends here with her. Even if it's just for a day. Even if it's just for a second. And even if it's just a dream. They somehow boosted her confidence and made everything seemed alright. and her last dream, was confusing and mind-boggling Raneesha and Liani came by. She remembered saying that why were all of them visiting her today. Of all the days!!

So when she woke up, abruptly and feeling confused (as usual), she could not differentiate between what was real and what was not. There were at times, when she felt the presence of her two best friends, of the nightmare and whenever that happens, she just shook her head and acted as though nothing happened. But the truth was she doesn't feel like her soul is in her body…today. Especially today.

In the well

THEN

I still think of you. I have come to a point where I am hating you. Not because of what happened, because I HAD to clean up your fucking mess. I had to deal with all the questions of why we broke up. And I don't even know what happened, feels as though I am on a roller coaster ride, that won't stop. You, you on the other hand enjoy the luxuries of a new person. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? Getting together with her, can't you even wait for the appropriate time until you guys got together? I mean for god's sake, it wasn't even a month since you broke up with me. Acu was right. You couldn't care less, about other people, at the expense of your happiness. At the time, I refuse to belief that, but hate to break it to you. Acu is fucking right. Now, I really feel like a bloody idiot to have trusted, not to mention wasted my fucking time, energy and most of all, I regretted to have spent my love on you. You don't even deserve it, that I can see now. Just to get things cleared, I am not mad or sad that you got together with her. If she really makes you happy, then by all means. I just hope for your sake, that she doesn't hurt you any further. You're a jackass, but I still don't think you deserve it, if she did what she did to you before again. I hope she doesn't. yes you make stupid decisions, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human.

I miss you terribly. After all of that, I still do. I just wished that I never met you. Or I didn't bother to help you. Because if I didn't want to help you then, you wouldn't have somehow tricked your mind into believing that you liked me. Then, I wouldn't have known you. Then, we wouldn't have gotten together. Then I wouldn't have trusted you, believed in all your crap, cared for you, put any amount of effort for you, or even loved you. Then, I wouldn't have fallen for you…so hard. Then, we wouldn't have done all the shits that we did. Then, I wouldn't be thinking that you were the one. Then, we wouldn't have promised each other false hope, under false pretences. Then, you wouldn't have to dump me. Then, I wouldn't have been so fucking hurt that I could barely think. Then, I wouldn't have cried my eyes out. Then, we wouldn't have been way were are right now. Worst comes to worst we could have at least stayed as friends now. But, that doesn't seem possible under the circumstances right now. It's all just wishful thinking. Nowadays, I love playing the ' if ' game. It helps me feel much much better. The world doesn't seem that gloomy for just a second.

SIGH.

Oh blue sands

Can you tell me if I ever will be…happy?

Oh blue sands

Can I stay here forever?

Oh blue sands

I don't want to go out there and pretend

Oh blue sands

Can you make them understand?

And everything will get better if I stay here for awhile

And will find another way to be happier one day

And everything will get better if you hold on for awhile

And go away from here

Oh blue sands

I don't want to go up there and pretend I'm okay

I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore
I don't hate you anymore

I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the person I cannot be

For the things I cannot have

I don't hate you anymore when I look at you

All I see is the blue waves coming to get me and take me away

I don't hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the things I cannot have

Oh blue sands will I ever get to be like you.

NOW.

I am stronger now. I've restored my beliefs and principles in life. Some are old, most are new. Now, I just don't belief there is such thing as love. Don't get me wrong, none of it it's your fault. You just sort of proved me right. You were like my experiment and that it went badly. I haven't got the correct ingredients yet. I can't see two people being in a relationship for as long as a year. It's just not possible, for one must surely get bored with the other by the end of the year. But I salute those that have been together for a lifetime. It is just amazing and completely brilliant. These are the few rare people, that have found their respective soulmate. Sometimes, I am just tempted to ask them the million-dollar question :
" how the hell do you guys do it ? what is the secret ingredient ? ". So, I have decided to fuck love. I don't believe in these fairy tales. i mean how do you actually move on, and then do the almost-exact same thing with another person without having your ex in your mind? I certainly can't. thus, I am just going to wait for that one person, and then get married. Done and done. This way, I avoid getting my heart broken or even hurt. Win-win situation! It's either that, or I end up not getting married at all. Seriously, I'm warming up to the idea each day. living a care-free and boisterous life looks good. S'long as I've got friends all around me. Fine by me.

SMILES.

Evening with Nescafe in hand

Some days you wake up and immediately start to worry. Nothing in particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble.

Journey home

Being at home for the weekend is definitely what I needed. There is always that familiarity, of being at home with your family. The warmth that you would instantly feel when you enter the house. I don't know how to explain it, but it's there. Peace and tranquility. It's comforting to know that you are surrounded by the people who would, undoubtedly stand by you side no matter what. They are blood after all. Somehow, somewhere, these are the people that you could always count on. NO MATTER WHAT.

I grew up there. Mum says we moved a couple of times, but I don't remember any. I only remembered
the ones in the house. Loads of memories ; some are bitter. Some are happy memories. It's all part of the growing process, I guess. I missed my sisters the most. They're my parents combine with being my best friends (ones that would never disappoint you) combine with being my sisters. I love them more than anything in this world. No one, no one can beat them. I guess I just miss hanging out with them, both of them together. I remember, when we shared the room, all three of us together, cramped up in the room, there would always be a recap of the day. They would always tell stories of school life and their friends. I remember wishing to grow to be just like them. We studied in the same room, but always ended up talking to each other. I always have crazy ideas, some would be executed, most of it not. I've got two monster sister.

MONSTER 1 : She is four years older. On her way to becoming a super rich DENTIST. *grin* well, somebody's got to support me. *shrugs shoulder*. As I was saying, she's the one that would be keeping our butts in line. Don't get me wrong, it's not like she's no fun, but she makes sure that we don't go too far off. She buys me gifts, That's her way of showing her love. She's amazing inside and out. But she's not someone that I could tell everything to. I don't know why, I just don't want to mess the image that she has of me. She's kind-hearted. Self-less, loving but doesn't normally show it. Protective. Thoughtful. Easily annoyed. INTELLIGENT. Low self-esteem. Can't handle pressure. Is loved by her youngest monster very much.

MONSTER 2 : She's a year younger than monster 1. When we were kids, she is the hot-tempered one. She is the buttercup of Powerpuff girls. I swear, when we were kids, she and I did not get along well. She hated me. I, was completely oblivious to the fact. But as we grew older, she is the one that I could talk about almost anything. She became my partner in crime. She knew all of my secrets, worries and concerns. She is the one true person in this world that I could be myself without being afraid of what she would think. She's not judgmental. She is kind and forgiving. Smart. Foolish. Mature. Childish. Vain. Protective. Cheerful. Optimistic. Caring, Honest. Small. But yet, nothing about her is small. She has a BIG heart. Is loved by her youngest monster very much

No words can describe how much thou love thee.

But my favourite part of the house would be my room. For years, it has been my sanctuary. My great-wall-of China. It's as though the room is far away from the world and I believe that whenever I am in it, it protects me from the evilness of the world. Keeps me safe and happy. I could be/do whatever I want. Well, not whatever. I am still under parental supervision. But close *wink*. I love being in my room. The ambience that it gives out, makes me think I could do whatever I set my heart too. Every once in awhile, whilst everyone is asleep, I would be up ; rearranging and redecorating the room. To suit my mood. And then, in the morning, when I wake up, it'll be a brand new day with new beginnings. For new discoveries and new dramas. I love having that feeling. I love my room. I talked to my first crush there, new boyfriend, sleepless nights, endless crying, overrated mother-daughter fights, friendships torn and friendships renewed.

Funny thing is, I don't miss home. I miss parts of it. And I miss the people that we were when we were kids.

That was why, I needed to go back home last weekend. I needed a break from the world.

Plan plan plan plan!

Phew.

Numbers is confusing. Even more when there's words and transactions involved. I've NEVER been good with words. I just understand differently most people. Guess I've got to work on that, if I want the gold at the end of it. And god knows, how much I want that gold. So I'm done with that and off to bed. I'm having the weird butterflies about tomorrow. This time, this time around I'm going to ignore those inevitable noises and walk through that door. I'm going to the other side. *deep breathes*

On a completely different story.

MONSTER IS GOING BACK TO ELLE ISLAND TOMORROW!!

I still haven't started packing, not like that's unusual. I thought of just coming home with my handbag and a laptop in hand. Handbag + laptop. No clothes. The epitome of travelling light. Unfortunately, due to some moron person, the dryer here have been damaged which result to monster, unable to do her laundry. Thus, after much consideration, I've decided to do laundry at home. Meaning that, I'm bringing back my black bag. Yep, I've got to drag that back all the way to ktm station, and on to the bus.

Plan : around lunchtime I'll take the bus to LCCT.

Hopefully, monster sister will already be there.

Then, ISLAND.

Sounds foolproof. You bet. Now, it's just sleep and packing will be done in the morning.

Goodnight.

M o n s t e r

I had a nightmare this morning.

I can't seem to get my butt there today. It's at eleven, but I went out extra early so I could check the place out. But soon as I got there, I just stood there, at the hallway. Don't even have the guts to stand in front of the door. I'm a coward. I kept thinking of the things that might happen on the other side of the door. What she might say, or do. I've figured out who might be in there, on the other side with me. A friend. That morning, I convinced myself I'm going to go through it. With raisins and a couple of words to God, manage to calm myself down. To be completely honest, I have been having this panic attacks since that. I haven't been myself, and I'm not sure I remember how I was before that. The monster insomnia has gotten worst. Since that, I seldom have a goodnight's rest. The thought of sleeping alone, scares me. Panic attacks follow this sequence. It's not that I don't want to get out, it's just that I can't/don't know how to. It's usually okie when I know or feel someone close to me, to help me sleep. My eating habits are off. I stop eating for a week, only craving for monster sugar. I'm certain whatever I'm doing to my body is not healthy. But I don't care. I'm numb. So numb that if a car comes a hit me, I don't feel a thing.

I saw her, saw her at some computer lab. Funny in my dreams, I have the guts to approach her and tell her the problem. Of why all this while I have been avoiding her. Of why I can't seem to be able to open the door. To take one leap of faith. She was mad, but not in a killer mode kind of way. She finally gave in, told me what I wanted to know. Teach me what I needed to know. At one point, the nightmare didn't seem like a nightmare anymore. It almost seemed pleasant and comforting. Somehow, someway I woke up.

Like I said, I had a nightmare this morning.