White and pink stripes

I haven’t really gotten around to updating lately. Procrastination, laziness, got in the way but mostly because of, everything seems to be happening all at once. Frankly, by the end of the day, Im just so plain tired of writing about it. For whom actually? For whom am I writing it for? I used to think writing keeps me sane. So that I don’t have to keep everything bottled up inside me ; like a volcano about to erupt. But now I’m not so sure. It’s six o’clock in the morning and I am blabbering. O god, I do think I seriously need of a new hobby. Anything. ANYTHING.

Anyways, I am in Goms now. Finally. Definitely took my time ; what with all the drama of 2009, new friends and finding self-actualization, I wouldn’t change any back. Goms, it’s everything and MORE than I imagined it to be. The view, it’s gorgeous and to wake up every day, sun shining through your window, remarkable. And, to be with my two best friends again, words cannot express how much I’ve badly miss them. The classes, schedules, lectures and lecturers, and MY ROOM, are what uni is all about. I bragged and boast about my new campus it’s pathetic. But I am just so madly in love with it. Now, all I need to do is properly study. Everything is complete, I can’t even complain.

So there *smiles*

Kiss and tell

.I woke up today and remembered one little detail of the whole thing.

.remember that one text message when you said, ' you're the last person on earth that I would want to hurt'.

.i wonder what happened to that.

.what happened to that person.

.guess that was one promise I hoped you'd keep.

According to me

She is beautiful and talented and funny and remarkable and everything you would want in a friend. And I love you to bits, Lina Arina.

Sun shines

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me smile, what makes happy. Simple things really. Like when :

The way the sun shines through my window every morning of every single day.


It made me smile.


Or when my mum does this simple acts of love, unintentionally; calling me saying, leaves her favorite chocolate for me, wakes me up EARLY every morning just so I can see her off to work, and sometimes just being like an annoying ten year old kid on sugar rush.


It made me smile.


Or when she gives me this GORGEOUS smile of hers that is so powerful, you can't help but to smile back.


It made me smile.


Or when my dad tells his god-awful jokes, even though he knows its not.


It made me smile.


Or when I call monster two, all the way in aussie, and she answers, ' NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'.


It made me laugh and smile like a buffoon.


Or when my best friend, tells me random stupidity about her day.


It made me smile.


Or when I look at my kid nephew, Syahmi.


And I thought to myself, how calming it is, just by looking at him.


It made me smile.


Or when my friends tell me I've helped them in some way.


It made me smile.


Or when Maktok tells me, ' Maktok senanglah arina ada kat sini this week, teman Maktok '


THAT..that made me smile the brightest.



*



So I guess at the end of the day, nothing else mattered



:))))

Frocks and poppycocks III

Feels like my head is about to explode.











*BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*























































Kidding.






*falls off chair*

The purple flap dress

I like it more back then. when the world that i know now, is much less of a scary place, much less of a shit hole. oblivious to all of its complexities. when right is just right, and wrong is plain wrong. an obvious two. it's vague now, there is a fine thread that separates the good and the bad. then you have the difficult in between, the ugly and the reality of things. what you see, is never what you get. they say, what you don't know, won't hurt you, so i deliberately ask -" really now? that's just fucking denial" . sometimes our faith shakens under the unspeakable truth, and you are left uninvited, pondering in the corner. what do i believe in these days?

The fight gets tougher, the problems ain't petty, the drunk don't get any wiser. and economics ain't getting any easier.

it slowly didn't matter anymore. hye, i'm here, same-o me.i've been on hiatus fer some time, i choose this , i choose to be invisible ( at least to you). you should know, i'm alive, definitely better than the time before. not that it would do any difference. not that its of any significance, but i promised to be a friend, and i am still here. i hope you're happy, i am not bitter. maybe immune would fit in just perfect. this thing in me, the one that beats every half a second, it shrunk . so small that i don't think i have space fer resentment. i don't resent you fer all the things you did or didn't do. my heart is an empty room, and i'm waiting fer my IKEA.

Iam s till miss in gyou after all this time I know its been awhil



people are like clothes. your heart jumps at the sight of that new dress on a mannequin, try it shall we. it fits, more than perfect on you. then after some time,it may look just as exact, but when you put it on, it just feels different. it's not that the materials changed, the elements, the sewed on string, the buttons, the pins, the ruffles, the detailed lining - nada, nothing's changed but the colour fades, worn too many of a time. it used to be a favourite, now its in those piles of forgotten draggy cloths. it served you well, even a little more than expected. but it just wears out.

Alhamdulillah..

Funny how things turn out at the end for me. Unexpected friendships are developed, some are lost due to unforeseen changes and old ones are rekindled. Funny how the world works. And He does work in wonders. I wasn't able to see it back then, now I am grateful for what I've been through. It wasn't a walk in the park. It wasn't a bed of roses with ice-creams and chocolates but I am glad that I went through with it. You see, last semester, middle of this year, I had the shocked of my life. Back then, everything was perfect. At least, at first it seemed that way..to me anyways. I thought I had everything that I could ever dream; two awesome best friends, humanoids that I could relate to, a reputable reputation and a fairly-good-enough academic status. Turns out I was completely off. I have my two complete sets of best friends, but the humanoids? Turns out there were some only so-called friends. And guess what, I wasn't graduating anymore. Awesome, ain't it?

At the start of the semester, I was fighting with a hell lot of people. To a point that I had issues with the whole freaking world. I mean I already knew that this was a messed up world; full, of ignorant people. Over the years, instead of beating the system, I went with it. Look where it got me. Damaged, insecure, paranoid and a bitch.

*TADDAAA*

This time however, I came out, a bazooka in one hand and a sniper in another. Oh hell yes, I hated every single minute I was there.

*smile* actually the only thing that kept me there (meaning sane, zero killing mode and happy) is the dorm mates and my best friends. Both of which are awesome with various personalities that I cannot describe. They have helped me in every possible way. They are my support system. I have about 21 people in the room, and EVERY SINGLE one of them have, in one way or another, motivated me and kept me stronger; both, mentally and physically, and more focused than ever. I love them so much. They are very much like my family. They have faults, they are not perfect, but I would not want it any other way.

So now, fast forward five months and 12 days today, i am finally graduating and be going to someplace else. All thanks to them. I miss them terribly, and it's so weird not waking up to their shrieking voices in the morning, the rush of everyone getting ready for classes, the 'wedang's during the evening, the late night Nescafes and movie, the adventures, the dramas and them. Room e-1-10 taught me a lot. They gave me more than I imagined. Even thank you, seems insufficient somehow.

Karamellow

Kaaa-ching!!

And today the official letter arrives. I, however are not at home. I have been waiting patiently, unproductively at home. Doing almost always nothing! And it chose to come now..NOW when I am not at home. When I am 2000 miles away!! ERGHHHHH.

Now I am literally pissing all over my pants anxious to know what sort of Mahallah they're dumping me into. Plus, honestly, I have this teeny bit insecure that I might not get the letter at all. no solid reason why, but paranoia is taking over. I wish there is something that could take my mind off it for awhile. I have got two more gruesome days to survive till I am safely home. And that's when it gets worst. I don't know. I don't want to be there, I don't want to be here either. I. just. Don't. know. Which sucks, you know. I think it's probably because of the lack of human contact, plus the high intact of sugar, with too many 'biggest loser' shows. Oh well, soon I'll starting my new semester, in a new place with my best friends. I miss them a lot lah.

I have been tagged decades ago :]

Seven Things That You Dislike the Most:
1. Nilai
2. Expectations.
3. Not knowing what I want
4. Failure to impress
5. People who think they are better.
6. Fake people
7. Catching up with the past.

Seven Things You Like the Most:
1. ICE CREAM!
2. My Family.
3. Best friends ; no matter where they are.
5. WONDERMILK.
6. Any tasik, and believe me..ANY TASIK.
7. Beautiful artsy pantsy stuff.

Seven Important Things In Your Room:
1. Brownie + aussie.
2. Diaries ; old and new.
3. Closet.
4. The posters and arts on the wall.
5. Radio.
6. My AWESOME collection of books.
7. My BED.


Seven Random Facts About You:
1. I am impatient and unfocused.
2. I do the exact opposite just to piss you off.
3. I am the worst self critic known to mankind.
4. I self-destruct whenever I am happy.
5. People don't know half of the shits I've done
6. Yes, I even go against what I say, because I am systemized to do so.
7. I despise texting.

Seven Things You Plan to Do Before You Die:
1. Visit my sister in Australia, by myself.
2. Bungee-jumping!
3. Make my parents supeawesomely proud!
4. Be a teacher!
5. Touched someone's lives.
6. Be a clean, corporate wonder woman with pretty house and awesome car
7. Have a company!

Seven Things You Find Attractive in the Opposite Sex:
1. The way he looks. I AM VAIN (boo-hoo).
2. The way he treats me.
3. Charm.
4. The way we fit in each other's arms. *evilgrin*
5. The way he dresses.
6. Does not bore me.
7. VERY IMPORTANT : Just as passionate of things I'm passionate about.

Mornings

It was morning.

Mom told me I had to get up, since the sun was shining oh-so brightly.

Reluctant, but I got up anyways.

Bath, cleaned and ready for world domination. I WAS HUNGRY.

Eaten. Went to work : couch potato.

The magic box wasn't producing anything new. Searching the perimeters for anything that comes as close as interesting.

I found SOMETHING.

Turns out, I was the something.

*smiling stupidly*

-_________________-

frocks and poppycocks.

I was rummaging through my closet and found this :

" this is the final WARNING letter dated 18/07/2007, delivered specially to Illy Ooi Yi Li, beside Ng Jia Shiang, sitting on the third row of 5 Delima, Block B, SMKP St.George, Macalister Road, Penang, Malaysia, Asia, third planet from the Sun, Solar System, Milky Way. What you are about to be told is strictly confidential and it is to be completed on the 22^nd and 23^rd of October of the year 2007. If it is found that there are others who is informed about this, your blankie tie WILL be kidnapped, tortured and burnt into ashes. And if you are found guilty on telling the higher authorities a.k.a teachers, about this, your secret of having a relationship with Victor _____, 17, PFS, Penang, Malaysia, Asia, third planet from the Sun, Solar System, Milky Way, WILL be announced to the entire Georgian world. So please take this notice seriously, privately and strictly, and no giggling NO GIGGLING ILLY OOI!!!

So on the 22^nd and 23^rd of October 2007, you are required to carried out these procedures :

1. Get helium filled ballons (I have ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted one of these. Still haven't gotten them thoL )
   
2. Get multi-storey ice-cream chocolate cake ( yeeeessire, we both, love ice-cream+chocolate, and definitely when it is a ICE-CREAM CHOCOLATE CAKE)
   
3. A surprise party
   
4. P R E S E N T S, lots and lots of PRESENTS!!"
   

   
   

First off, I KNOW RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT??? I mean what were we thinking back then? To be completely honest, Connie was the one who wrote this, I just supplied the details and basically told her what should be in the letter. FORTUNATELY, the letter was never delivered. I guess we both must have forgotten all about i

t by then. In our defense, this letter was written way way early of the year, and I think we were both busy with homework and assignments, not to mention, preparation for SPM. So yeah, none of actually came through. But we celebrated our birthdays together like always since we are the October babies, and I've known Conni

e since FOREVER. I love her to death that woman. I knew me and Connie, together, we could RULE the world. Aaah, good times good times.

You see, since we were the only two people in the class that are born in October, I came up with this brilliant beyond brilliant idea of a surprise party for us! It's

a surprise because….we were going to write (scratch that threaten) our class treasurer, simply because she's the one handling our money and she's a perfect. Thus, the chances of the plan becoming a reality, higher. Yes, it may seem pathetic conning people into doing a surprise party for you, who care! It was fun enough writing the letter.

Eh, toldcha I was a weird kid. Probably sho

uld have been more aggressive and threaten-ning like.

I miss DELIMAS and all its adventures.

Err..sorry?

Im trikaledeoiscopie sorry that I haven't been updating you. Its not that I don't have anything to rant about, believe me, I do. Its just that my brain doesn't slow down just a bit, for my fingers to catch up with it. You see, ive been having this problem that my brain works at the speed of light, and this is usually when all the wonderful words magically appear in my head but UNFORTUNATELY my fingers aren't as fast. So you see, this creates P R O B L E M.

:]

OR…

If you don't buy that ; your mind absolutely refuses to believe a word you just read, bottom line : Im a lazy chick that has zero things to write about. Whatever floats your boat.

The thin rope.

I got the whole of Gombak thinking I've graduated.

*shivers*

And she said, ' I hope our kids won't turn out to be as mischievous as us '

*

GULP!

Fifty wrong turns

Life is pretty hard isn't it? I wish it was more like the movies. We can just start over in the new scene at a new place as someone else. New place with a whole new other identity. Life would be easier that way if we do get chances like that. It might take a while and we'll get that chance to start over a new life, turn over a new leaf. There are times I wished I could go back and change a few things but then again, I'm happier with where I am now. No matter how much tears I've shed, blood I've lost or time I've wasted. It was worth it for now I finally realized so many things. Life has forced me to grow up, accept the reality and stop fantasizing. After all, it ain't a bed of roses after all.

So far, I got most of my previous guesses on things wrong. I guess sometimes, it takes a smack in the face and a kick in the ass to see how there can be people who go through the same pile of mud you dragged yourself through before. Or how people basically can be the exact opposite of what you've always seen them as. Or how the happiest people you know turn out to fake more smiles in front of the world than you do. Or even the people you have trusted and loved all this while, turns out not to be who they are. Yes, people do change, I've accepted that fact. But I wasn't expecting it to be as drastic and hurtful. I was crossing the road this evening. I almost got hit by a car at one point. I must say, it was one of the rare times when I've never felt more alive and excited. I stopped and realized my head was too up in space to hear or see the car coming. My head was in "
Boston". I want to find a new place and leave this all behind. Start anew and no one knows my name. I think, in some way, that was why I love running so much. I wanted to run away, as fast and as far away as I could. Sometimes, I ran for hundreds of miles non-stop.

In just one weekend, I found how the happiest people can cry in a matter of minutes. How the most hopeful people can lose faith. How the people I thought was so strong can be so weak in believing in themselves. How the most unexpected people can surprise you. How the richest people can be deprived from so many things. How the first rule of living is to know how to lie very well. At that moment, I discover myself contemplating on the decisions of whether or not I should run off to Alaska and live off the ice and fish or if I should stay here where every single day is tearing a part of me down slowly, bit by bit. I hope everything I do here would be enough to make up for all the pain and harshness my parents had to go through to raise me. If this makes them happy then, I am happy ( I hope ).

Maybe when my curly haired children grow up, they might do the same for me.
I can't wait for these 5 years to pass.

" The day I believed in you is the day I lost my soul. The day you told the truth, was the day you shattered my heart. I carefully put it back together, but it has never been the same again. The day, I said those four words, was a giant leap of faith, of love, of hope. A surface wound is easy to heal, but an internal one eats you on the inside. Nothing is as burdensome as a secret, nothing is as hurtful as being on the receiving end. I don't blame you, I blame me. I'm the one who trusted, believed and naïve. I know this. "

so much too say, so little time

so how are you?

( i took this from 'i wrote this for you')

A second

Her birthday is tomorrow.

Yesterday, more like the weekends, opened up a memory from the past ; a video that starts playing and would not stop until I am hurt. And even then, it just picks another scene and then starts the whole shenanigan all over again. It hit me in the head. That how much time has passed and how that first feeling was; amazing. It took awhile to be reminded and I continued, every scene was longer than of Harry Potter's. It was painful to go over it, but at the same time, it was nice to relive it. It did take me back to when everything was so simple and easy. When two good friends that cares and love each other. Boredom consumed us and all I wanted was to tell how my day was and wait for the calls at half past midnight. Oh how the littlest things matters so much.

No, I don't forget. I just keep it away because it is in the past. There were some parts where it made me cry for a second or two. Then there were parts that seemed so minor to me now and I saw how euphoric I was to reply. I tried to figure out what I was feeling back then and it took some time to return to me. Since I told you I'm done, my life is not as sad as how the song sounds but now I only think about the good times we had. Ignoring all the hanging up and fights in the middle of the night. I remember the $400 bill and messages . The stay on the phone to hear me sleeping. The constant retaliation of doing some things. The every happy moment there was. Thanks in a way.

Her birthday is tomorrow.

I can't help but wonder, how it would turn up. What do you have planned for her? What sort present did you buy? How the celebration going to be? Is it any good?

( And would you somehow, have me at the back of your head? )

04.08.09

This time I spent my weekends with my two best friends. We were having a women's IV league in Gombak. They debated, I was the observer. Somehow, I was never one to debate. I like debate, the interesting motions and all its feistiness that it brings out of people. But truth be told, I suck at it. My general knowledge on the world is limited, and I have this constant fear of standing up in front of a crowd and talking. Really, and persuading them even when I, too, needed to be persuaded. Er, no thank you.

The tournament was, in a way, very interesting. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues, i.e. women's rights and so forth.

Bottom line : I had fun. And the fact that it was educational, is definitely a plus point * thumbs up *

feeling pretty human

For humans, we are the most inhumane creatures. How ironic is that?

Randomnothings.randomramblings.randomthoughts.

I hate people. I think the best thing to do is to not be attached emotionally or they hurt you more in the end. Not to be a pessimist, but they just always seem to hurt you in the end. Sigh, again.

" it takes two to tango, but only one to trip and fall "

I've heard of this a long time ago, but never truly grasps the concept. Pardon my stupidity. Now, I had to learn it the hard way

You cannot go back in time, even if you wish it with every fiber of your being, your heart and soul, even if you think about it every day. Trust me. I know.

That's what you don't get. To find two people who have the same heart isn't a coincidence. It's a God damn miracle. And it happens every day. But somehow to find it, takes a lot of work. It's rare. It's a treasure you would want to keep..forever.

I'll pretend that you mean the weather when you ask me how I am. I'll say cold and dry.

The place you used to live : there's still a door shaped like you, boarded up, covered in chains and nails. Paper stuffed in the locks.

Just like you mistook time-off for separation, you have mistaken being alone with loneliness. I am doing good, thank you for asking.

I read what you leave in public spaces. The songs of your reference. I read between the lines. I know it's about me. I know what you want. I can admit that I have been thinking about it for awhile now, but I can't. Not yet.

It's when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know "This is love."

And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren't pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.

So yes, we could hug. I could give you a hug, and vice versa. There's no science, no plane tickets, clock stopping us. But if we hug, it will end the world, And I've ended the world before, No one survived. Least of all me.

This is the acceptance speech. The end of anger and denial. I accept that you and I will never be the same again. That while those days will live in my mind forever, they're over. I hate it. But I accept it. And I'm moving on now.

You think you're waiting for me to tell you what the right thing to do is. And how to do it. Even though, at the back of your mind you already know what that is. So, all you're really waiting for, is the right time when you're forced to do it.

So you've given me all these things and I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate them because I do but all I really want from you today, is a smile.

P/s : some are quotes, some are not. You decide.

Hoping for a truckload of Hagen Diaz ice-creams to miraculously crash in front of main gate.

Cheers!

.G.O.M.B.A.K.

Spur of the moment kind of thing; I packed my bags one fine day. So I would be ready to go straightaway, without delaying even for a single second, after my class ended. I wanted to surprise my two best friends, by showing up at their place. Sure enough Kde was pretty surprised that I showed up with a red bag in hand and a hug to give. She was expecting me, true enough, since I had talk to her about my plans about stopping by. But it was all just hypothetical. I mean, there were all the plans, but I think she never really expected me to come. First, because her place is nowhere near mine. Second, it can be tiring. Arinah was just stunned, I guess it was really random. But I haven't seen the both of them for about three weeks now, I miss them.

J

The fun part was, I got to see/visit the people that I have missed dearly ; | RAJA | KAK ED | KAK EMA (with her boyfriend, don't know much about him, since twas dark) | KAK IKA | KAK NIK | SAFU | and mostly Nilai people.

I just got back and I am wiped out.

P/s : I am contemplating between either sleeping or doing some non-productive act. Nah, why am even I considering, obviously I am going to sleep. Since, I am already deprived of it. Better take the chance, when I have it.

NITES!